Dear Diary,
What to do in case of Kuchisake-onna, or the Slit-Mouthed Woman
Step 1:
Carry a piece of fruit on you at all times. Trust me, you will need this later. A banana, an apple, a pear. Anything will do.
Step 2:
Live your life as normal, but watch out for women wearing surgical masks. You never know when Kuchisake-onna will strike, and she likes to blend in with the crowd. So many people wear masks to protect against illness, but our girl uses masks to hide some gruesome face wounds.
Step 3:
Okay, so Kuchisake-onna corners you on your commute home from work. Bummer. She couldn't do this before work? Well, this is not good, but you do have options. First, she is going to ask you if you think she is beautiful. Your options are:
a.) Yes
b.) No
Option a: So, you chose to say yes. Congrats you are spared for now.
Option b: You said no? Would you tell her she looked bad in those jeans too? Anyway, she stabs you to death with a pair of scissors so, you kind of had it coming.
Step 5:
Kuchisake-onna asks you again, do you think she is pretty? This time, the catch is she takes off her surgical mask to reveal her mouth had been split ear to ear. It's really gross and she's getting closer to your face. Again, your options are
a.) say she is pretty or
b.) say she is not pretty
Option a: You said she is pretty! She smiles at you, clutches her scissors, and slices your face ear to ear to match her own pretty face.
Option b: You said no? Again? Do you ever learn? You guessed it - you get the scissors.
Step 7:
So, either way you are probably dead or at the very least horrifically mutilated, but there are a few theories on some other, more unorthodox, ways of getting her off your back. Go all the way back to Step 3, but this time when Kuchisake-onna asks you if she is beautiful, say this: “You look average.”
Step 8
She will probably take huge offense to that, get confused, and have her feelings hurt. This is when you make an escape.
Step 9:
If that doesn't work, remember that fruit I told you to pack? Well get it out now because I kid you not, you are going to launch it at her and hope she stops to pick it up so you can run away and escape.
Step 10:
Try to avoid Kuchisake-onna if you can. You might not always have a piece of fruit with you.
Xoxo,
Maria